Your Favorite Fox News Anchors Are Heading to OANN

Will Fox survive without them?

As Fox News’ ratings continue to plummet after its disgraceful reporting on the 2020 Presidential election, its four most popular anchors have quit the network! All four of them are now employed at One America News Network.

Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, Lou Dobbs, and Laura Ingraham were disgusted with Fox’s decision to actually report the truth and the facts about the election instead of the fevered delusions of the right-wing base.

When Fox called Arizona on Election Night for Biden, the four met at Hannity’s secret apartment — where he’s been carrying on an affair with Judge Jeanine Pirro for the last 10 years — to discuss their plans.

Dobbs is the oldest of the group but Hannity has the best hair, so he led the pow-wow. They all quickly decided that they absolutely could not stomach being forced to report the truth, so they decided to call Cletus Bojangles McGillicuddy, the CEO of OANN, to ask about moving to his network.

CEO McGillicuddy was overjoyed to have the four most respected obfuscators on American television delivered into his network family. He had to get a loan from the My Pillow guy to pay their exorbitant salaries, but he knows that he’ll be rolling in cash soon, thanks to the brainwashed hordes of Cult 45 members who will slavishly follow their favorite liars to the ends of the earth.

Sandy Batt, spokeswoman for Fox News, commented on the anchors’ departure:

“When even our barely-truth-adjacent reporting isn’t fake enough for these anchors, it’s a good thing they’ve left. We’ve decided as a network that it’s time to lie only 63 perecent of the time, and these four demanded that they be allowed to lie 99.9 percent of the time.

The 0.1 percent truth they were willing to tell was when they said their own names at the beginning of each broadcast. That’s not enough for the New and Improved Fox News, so they’re gone. Oh well.”

See you at OANN, patriots.

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