Goldberg Loses Mansion In Rittenhouse Lawsuit

WOW.

Easy come, easy go, they say.  Or at least, that’s what they should be saying to megastar Whoopi Goldberg today after the judge ruled in Kyle Rittenhouse’s lawsuit against her.

Goldberg and her The View cohorts stand accused of making false statements to media and character assassination against the youth during his showcase trial.  The pudgy petite punisher is seeking eighty million dollars in damages.

Goldberg is often mistaken for “The Waterboy” star Jason Mimosa.

Goldberg’s Beverly Hills mansion, nicknamed “Ten Forward” by her servants and friends is worth over thirty-five million dollars, with it’s twelve bedrooms and thirteen bathrooms, pool, sauna, basketball court, bowling alley, and four-foot circumference golf course.

Judge Sandy Batt came to render her judgement in the case just yesterday after only sixteen minutes of deliberation, and awarded Rittenhouse the full amount he was seeking.  Pending liquidation of assets, the mansion was rendered “malleable property proceeds”, and immediately handed over.

Goldberg appeared stunned at the judgement in court and vowed to appeal, but was immediately taken into custody, tied to a large crucifix, and shot three times by the plaintiff in obvious self-defense.

“He should have aimed for the heart. That’s what I didn’t have any consequence in doing.”

For his part, the young now-millionaire Rittenhouse, gave a statement to the gathered media members outside of the Queefville Justice Center in Bowling Green.

“I got me a great big house, now,” he beamed enthusiastically.  “I’m gonna play laser tag inside and masturbate all day to John Wick movies and eat plenty of cheez whiz casseroles!  Yahoo!”