Matt Gaetz Files Defamation Lawsuit Against Sex Worker Union

gaetz fires opening salvo

Embattled House Representative Matt Gaetz has had one heck of a bad week.

The staunch ally and one of the most vocal defenders of President Donald J. Trump during his two impeachment trials has been put through the wringer by the left-wing media.

While we will not repeat the salacious and politically motivated accusations against him, one thing is crystal clear: Matt Gaetz is a patriot who refuses to go down without a fight.

Well, Mr. Gaetz has now fired the opening salvo in the fight to defend his honor.

On Friday, the law firm of Broflovski, Cartman, and Marsh filed a 3.8 million dollar defamation lawsuit on Mr. Gaetz’s behalf in the District Court of Washington, D.C.

The lawsuit alleges that the Federated Union of American Sex Workers (FUASW) defamed his character in a series of articles published in the sex worker union’s member-only media outlet, the “Daily Blow.”

The Daily Blow is an online publication available only to union members that features safety and other tips for sex workers, legal advice, best practices for various sex acts, adult toy reviews, and occasional articles by sex workers discussing their encounters with celebrities and politicians.

According to the court filing, FUASW members published three articles in the Daily Blow that contained information that is not only untrue and humiliating but was, in fact, written by political opponents rather than actual sex workers. The suit also alleges that the sex workers breached their contract with him by leaking details of their encounters with him.

The following excerpts from the court filing outline the most egregious accusations:

“One article, written by ‘Alexa O’Cortez,’ alleged that the plaintiff paid her to wear a leather flying helmet and flog his bare buttocks with wet celery while he sang the National Anthem.”

“Another article, penned by ‘Lady Lindsay G.’ alleged that Mr. Gaetz had a ‘micropeen’ so small that he had to use a rubber fingertip protector as a condom.”

“A third article, written by a ‘Georgina Soros,’ claimed that the plaintiff prematurely ended the session and refused to pay her after he asked her to hire two short sex workers and a donkey, and procure a 55 gallon drum of lubricant and a gimp suit.

Ms. Soros alleges that Mr. Gaetz ended the session after complaining that while the lubricant had the right flavor, the sex workers were too tall, the donkey too short and the gimp suit made farting sounds whenever he moved.”

Reached via email, Gaetz attorney Eric Cartman would only say that “My client deserves his day in court to prove to a jury of his peers and indeed, the entire nation that he does not have a micropeen.”

Spokeswoman for the sex workers union, Sandy Batt, laughed when asked for comment about the lawsuit:

“Are you kidding me? We exchange stories and laugh about our encounters with clients all the time. That’s why the Daily Blow is a members only publication and not available to the public.

Now this idiot has gone and made everything public so the entire country can laugh at him. Nobody outside of the sex workers union would have ever known about this if he hadn’t filed that ridiculous lawsuit. What a moron!”

While it remains to be seen whether Mr. Gaetz will prevail, there are encouraging early signs.

The Super PAC “United Potatriots of America” has already filed an amicus brief supporting Mr. Gaetz, and President Trump has personally pledged to “vigorously support and defend my good friend Matt against these disgusting and disgraceful accusations by the RADICAL SOCIALIST LEFT!”

About Watt A Plonker 28 Articles
Watt A. Plonker is a Wurlitzer Prize winning journalist and author of several books on Potato Farming. His latest book, "The Tantalizing Truth About Taters" was on the New York Times best seller list and was awarded the prestigious Creme de la Menthe prize for Culinary Science Fiction. Mr. Plonker lives in Peckham, South East London with his wife Gladys, who is a nurse with the National Health Service, and his pet hamster Rodney.

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