Trump Declares His Golden Escalator a National Monument

It's where it all started!

Every true American patriot remembers the day that President Donald Trump rode down the escalator at Trump Tower to announce his candidacy for the presidency. And now, our dear leader has turned that golden escalator a national monument, as it so richly deserves.

Yes, patriots, the iconic escalator will now be enshrined in the National Register of Historic Places where Monumental F*ckups Happened.

It will join a replica of the Oval Office where Nixon did, um, all of his nefarious Nixon things; the board room where someone dreamed up New Coke; and a giant voting booth symbolizing the monumental stupidity of every idiot who voted for Trump — twice.

Sandy Batt, the curator of the Monumental F*ckups collection, said, “Before that ridiculous ride down the escalator, Trump was just a sideshow carnival barker with a bad toupee and a horribly overinflated ego. But he fed on people’s fears and here we are.

We told Trump that we’d flatter him, but just wait. The escalator will be the centerpiece of a truth-telling exhibit about the biggest mistake America ever made.”

The escalator will be encased in 18 karat gold leaf, as befitting the tackiest president we’ve ever had. Surrounding displays will include a gold-crusted iPhone with a perpetual display of Trump’s Twitter feed, a pee-stained mattress from Russia, a replica of the $130,000 check paid to Stormy Daniels for her silence about Trump’s lousy sexual performance, and a 1,000,000:1 scale model of a coronavirus particle.

When Trump announced that he had declared the escalator a national monument, he said,

“This is the most important place in American history now. Because I was the center of attention like I always deserve to be. I started my first race here and I won the most votes ever — which is 100 percent true and not a lie at all.

This escalator is the best escalator ever, believe me. I like escalators, especially when they mean I don’t need to climb stairs, which is hard. I’m the best ever. Just ask me.”

And then he wandered off into traffic, never to be heard from again. We can dream.

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