Sources Claim Clinton Missing for Weeks


Hillary Clinton has had a roller-coaster ride after winning and also losing the 2016 election to Donald Trump.  Speaking tours, a bestselling book, and the rigors of grandmotherhood have all contributed to a life sometimes too full of spotlight.  Now, friends and professional colleagues have issued a disturbing report : she’s been unseen by anyone for nearly two weeks.

“And I just came out with a new ‘Benghazi Pillow’. Coincidence?”

The troubling revelation has led to a massive nationwide investigation, with authorities tracing her whereabouts from the Clinton Foundation Compound in Queeferville, Arkansas, to her last known sighted location at computer software giant ENCOM, where the former Secretary of State had been briefing new technology as a member of the board of investors. Engineers Joe Barron and Micheal Flynn were last to make contact.

“Mrs. Clinton had been inspecting our newest AI system, which we call the ‘Master Control Program’, or MCP,” Flynn remarked. “She was interested in our TRON debugging technology, and was alone in the room with the deresolution engine when we left to obtain some spec paperwork, and when we came back, she was gone.  It might sound a little nutty, but several of our specialists believe that she may have been derezzed and translated as living code into the system to confront the MCP directly.  It’s not outside of the realm of possibility.  We’ve hidden John Cusack and Ryan Seacrest both inside the system for years at a time.  Why do you think they both don’t age?  Cusack is a top light cycle champion.”

Police are working in teams, one dedicated to looking into the company’s theory, and the rest investigating less ridiculous suspicions centering around the possibility that Clinton may have been abducted into a celestial war piloting a Starfighter against Xur and the Ko-Dan armada.

“Make sure you check the square button for sticking. That last kid kept the interior light on the whole time.”

Most of these explanations for her disappearance raise concerns that the actual Presidential winner may be in physical danger.  We can only pray, as Christians, that she remains safe and remembered to pack at least one protective Krull weapon on her person.

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