‘Trumpkid’ Timmy Burch Assaulted in School

TERRIBLE.

11-year old Timmy Burch is a big fan of his hero, *President Donald Trump.  For the past year, to the delight of his conservative Republican parents, he’s started every morning eating a hamburger and eggs for breakfast, just like Trump.  He has a “Make America Great Again” cap and several different Trump t-shirts to wear to his classes at a small public Colorado school, and a child-sized business suit he dons once a week to church, just like *President Trump.  Timmy had a nice, normal American life until last week, when he was brutally attacked for his beliefs by students and teachers in what some are calling a “Trump Hate Crime.”

Then again, when there are shirts like this involved, is it a crime or a torso-botomy?

Burch is handicapped, and has been resigned to a wheelchair for much of his life.  He spends most of his time with his friends Stan, Kyle, Eric, and Kenny, playing video games and riding around the neighborhood like typical kids.  His Trump obsession has alienated him from many of his classmates as of late, and pressure had been mounting for weeks, students confessed.  That tension finally broke last Friday in a hallway before the final bell of the day.  Principal Joe Barron explained.

“We’ve all been sick to death of Timmy’s Trump phase.  I mean, the poor kid can’t even say his name, he can’t possibly know what a douchebag he is.  I’m sure his trumptarded parents filled his head with all the Fox News and Oan crap that they swallow.  Unfortunately, that’s not yet considered child abuse.  Anyway, some of the staff and his classmates decided the best way to snap him awake was to beat it out of him.  I mean, what other choice did we have?  We aren’t professional cult-deprogrammers.  We were only concerned for his safety and well-being.”

“COVFE-FEH!”

Timmy has since recuperated and remains in his home in South Park, Colorado.

*impeached

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