Amazon, Walmart To Cancel Christmas Sales if Trump Wins


The Christmas shopping season is a crucial time for the economy of the United States.  It usually starts after Thanksgiving on “Black Friday”, so named because it’s the time that businesses can get “in the black” after slower days of being “in the red”, and not after a time to desperately avoid black people in department stores as the majority of racist trumptards believe.

Many teabaggers believe it’s named for Sgt. Joe Friday, a gay television policeman.

This season, however, may be running rough with a wrench thrown squarely into its works.  The two largest American retailers, Amazon and Wal-Mart have both pledged to cancel any and all Christmas sales should President Trump be reelected in November.

Retailer Association President Sandra Batt told the Washington Queefblast Daily that the move was designed both as an endorsement of Democratic candidate Joe Biden and as a penalty to golden shower enthusiast Donald Trump.

“Just from an economic standpoint, we know a lot of the President’s mealy-mouthed cult fungi believe he’s somehow good for Wall Street.  Well, guess what doesn’t do well there?  Unpredictability.  And a mentally ill President who just makes up fairy tales on an hourly basis tends to cause problems.  So part of this plan is punishing the trumptards who brought their low incomes on themselves by supporting a clinical imbecile, and ensuring that when the economy again suffers a Republican depression, some might actually wake up and be smart enough not to vote for one again.  It’s a public service and you can’t stop us.  Go ahead, go buy your grandkid a cheap Iron Man knockoff toy at the flea market.  They’ll lock you in the attic and feed you oatmeal with a drone.”

“Woops! Told you not to reset the Wi-Fi password. See you next week gramps!”

Both retailers have already finalized their “Trumpless Christmas” plans, replete with store windows displaying nativity scenes featuring images of the President eating the baby Jesus in the manger.  I guess this is the season to be a little less jolly.

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