Federal election officials from the USA Department of Justice have swarmed to Erie, Pennsylvania, where a trash bag full of ballots has reportedly appeared floating just offshore.
Lead election investigator, Joe Barron, says the find could have been one of the most significant towards proving Trump’s election fraud claims had it worked out.
Sadly, what they recovered was so damaged by the water that there was no way to determine what was in the bag without a full forensic analysis, which was performed by the FBI.
According to that report, the contents of the bag were most definitely ballots, but the hard part of the investigation was just beginning:
“The bag contained more than 3000 ballots. That we know for sure. What we don’t know is who cast them or whether they would change the outcome of the election.
“There’s a lot more work to do.”
The Department of Homeland Security has taken custody of the ballots and the US Marshals are keeping watch over them. A high-ranking official inside the Treasury Department says he’s not sure what all the fuss is about:
“Yeah, the problem is, they aren’t being very honest about the whole thing. The bag is full of ballots, sure, but they’re ballots for last season’s finale of The Voice. We’re pretty sure that show has never actually had a real winner, so…why all the hubbub?
“It’s pretty silly, really.”
President Trump released a statement declaring the entire election in Pennsylvania a wash and laid claim to the 20 electoral votes, as is his right under an executive he signed a few minutes earlier.
“President Trump says the message is clear,” said a pal, “if you can alter something as secure as an election on a popular TV show, then the whole system is in question. This never would have happened on Celebrity Apprentice.”
We’ll keep you updated on this ridiculously irrelevant story.