Biden Appoints Romney to Run Homeland Security


Already making good on his promise to “reach across the aisle” to promote unity, the transition team for incoming President Biden announced this weekend that Republican icon and former Presidential candidate Mitt Romney will fill the role of operating the Department of Homeland Security.

Trump’s current choice for the position, Kid Rock, sadly overdosed on outdated dollar store sardines last Wednesday.

The former governor and senator, who is often mistaken for late actor Bill Paxton’s character from the HBO drama “Big Love”, is often considered to follow John McCain as one of the last few remaining “real” Republicans in American politics.  Romney, for his faults, was highly critical of former President Trump and once referred to the morbidly obese failed leader as : “A batshit stupid affront to the position”, and “A nagging viral itch that couldn’t be cured even by the most magic of underpants.”

According to Mormon Pope Joe Barron, Romney is the perfect choice for the job of monitoring America’s intelligence agencies and represents “reason over Trumptardery.”

“Mitt is a businessman, much like Trump was, except successful.  I mean, without the bankruptcies and scams that our dumbest commander in chief boasted.  He has experience dealing with groups of people and multi-tasking thanks to his association with the Latter Day Saints organization.  His ‘Maybe One Pepsi Once A Day’ initiative was well received among his constituency, and what are the FBI and CIA but men and women thirsty for intelligence?”

Romney has often been painted as unpopular among the throngs of outgoing President Trump’s booger-smearing cult mutants simply due to his status as a grown-up and sensible human being.  Experts believe he may not be a popular choice among those particular throwbacks.

Many Trumpers suggested Chuck Norris for the job until alerted that he’s an old man with ball medicine now. Oh, and an actor. A bad one.

As a whole, however, the citizens of the United States who can write remedial English and don’t fall for conspiracy fairy tales about communism and evil voting machines will likely support the appointment.  In the words of the country’s most massive failure: “It is what it is.”

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