It was an almost unbearable sight for the four hitchhiking youths to come across yesterday evening in Castle Rock, Oregon. As they broke into a small patch of brush, they discovered the dead and bloated corpse of Clete Torris, owner and operator of the self-proclaimed “truthspiracy” website “RiggedElection” dot com.
The kids, Gordie LaChance, Christopher Chambers, Theodore Duchamp, and Vernon Tessio, also of Castle Rock, told Joe Barron of the Queefking Gazette that they had been hiking and telling stories amongst each other in an attempt to foster the growth of a coming of age story to remember later. Soon after their accounts to authorities, LaChance was reported missing after leaving with a strange “traveller” and hasn’t been heard from.
According to the kid’s witness statements, they had come upon the grisly find not long after being attacked by an older man attempting to assault them with a dangerously mistrained canine. They agreed that they genuinely feared for their balls, and police did arrest one Milo Pressman, 55. The dog, “Chopper”, was euthanized.
Police believe that the mysterious death may have ties to an incident involving local celebrity David “Lard Ass” Hogan, who caused an outbreak of vomiting several years ago. Hogan also has ties to local criminal suspect Ace Merrill, who has suspiciously applied recently to work with the Counter Terrorism Unit of Homeland Security.
(Although sometimes confused, Merrill and his family members bear no relation to the late Jordy Verrill, who passed away some time ago on his farm after ingesting meteor shit.)
The question in everyone’s lips as this story breaks is the obvious one : What did this man know about the rigging of the 2020 election that made him a target for Hillary Clinton? The answers may not come easily. But hopefully, good old fashioned American justice will catch up with his killer and it’ll be cherry flavored Pez all around.