Tabloid Reports Melania ‘Involved’ With SS Agent

OH MY GOD!

The blockbuster shocker of a story broke early last week in New York’s premiere tabloid publication The National Enqueefier, the same paper known for printing the details about the O.J. trial, “Brangelina” affair, and the outing of Senator Lindsey Graham.

The four-page article alleging that the First Lady is having a romantic affair with one of her assigned secret service agents, Lamaar Cox, a 34-year old former mall security chief.

His replacement, a killer robot, was later promoted to upper management.

According to the tale by contributing reporter Joe Barron, Cox was assigned to Mrs. Trump mid-way through the First Couple’s second year in the White House and the two immediately took a liking to each other, leading to an intimate secret affair, oftentimes turning sexual on the grounds of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

The tabloid published a series of paparazzi photos along with the spread that back-up the claims.

The first lady, no stranger to sexually-related controversy or infidelity, released a single  statement through representatives – “No comment.”

White House Intern Sandy Batt responded further to the media.

“Is it true?  Might be.  But either way, it’s none of anyone’s business, is it?  It’s no great secret that the Trump’s marriage isn’t exactly built on love and affection.

It’s a monetary construct to begin with.  A deal.  ‘Look pretty for the fat old man, you get the credit cards.’  It’s an age-old story.  I believe the term is ‘Gold-digger’.  Kanye can tell you what it rhymes with.  But Melania is allowed her own life.

Mr. Cox is a very close friend.  I don’t know if they’re having some sort of affair where he takes her turned around and bent over like a praying nun in the West Wing maintenance closets.

Could be.  Again, that’s nobody’s bee’s wax.”

Take it from Jim Jordan – The expert at looking the other way.

The tabloid’s claim has reportedly caused ripples in the Trump’s relationship, with Melania often visibly disgusted by her husband’s very touch and presence.

But then again, who wouldn’t be?  He does look like a living special effect for a movie about an outbreak of Herpes on the Planet of the Apes.

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