President Trump Sends Out Prayer Request to the Faithful

He needs your prayers!

Never far from our minds, former President Donald J. Trump has made a humble request to his faithful followers: he needs your prayers. Now that he has been banned from Twitter, he couldn’t make the request directly, but he got the word out through other channels.

His dutiful, very smart sons — Eric and Don Jr. — and his only daughter — Ivanka — tweeted this morning that their father has requested that his cult members (sorry, I mean his patriotic supporters) pray for him. Ivanka’s tweet reads:

“Daddy is settling into his post-presidency life, playing golf, pretending to read the Bible, and playing more golf. He has humbly requested your prayers for his triumphant return to the White House, for Marjorie Taylor Greene to give him a pedicure while telling him tales of Jewish space lasers, and for our whole family to stay out of jail.”

Sandy Batt, a member of Mar-a-Lago, retweeted Ivanka’s plea with some extra commentary. “He also asked some of us at the club to pray that he finally gets his much-desired alone time with Ivanka.”

Ew. I mean, seriously. Ew.

Anonymous sources with less courage than Sandy Batt who wish to gossip about Trump but not face his wrath added that they would be praying for the former president to get a second case of Covid-19 (and that it does its job correctly next time), for the Attorney General of New York to indict many Trumps, and for Melania to divorce him and get Barron away from the toxic influence of his hateful, corrupt father.

Members of Cult 45 should all pray at 6:00 p.m. Eastern time, really hard, so the force of their prayers joined together can amount to a huge waste of time all at once. But God will be paying attention and keeping a list of the idiots who think Trump is a good example of a Christian or even a decent human being. You’ve been warned.

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