Portland Man Shoots Penis Off Twice in Same Day, Vows to Vote for Biden


Portland resident and first time gun owner Aubrey Rockefeller walked into his local Jamba Juice sporting his Biden 2020 shirt and hat, expecting to walk out with his normal kale-chai smoothie. Instead, he walked out with his severed and bleeding penis in his hand.

The 31 year old Rockefeller had purchased his first sidearm recently, and while attempting to exercise his 2nd amendment rights in the open carry state of Oregon, shot off his own penis while reaching for his wallet.

With Rockefeller’s skinny jeans the only thing still holding his penis in place, the quick thinking cashier immediately unzipped his fly, retrieved the detached limb and put it on ice.

Rockefeller’s wife was able to drive him to the hospital where penile surgeons were able to reattach the penis. However, Rockefeller insisted on wearing his sidearm during the procedure. “It was more important to respect his rights than it was our safety.” Dr. Richard Fixer told reporters.

This turned out to be a very unfortunate decision. As a dazed and confused Rockefeller regained consciousness from the anesthesia, his immediate reaction was to reach for his sidearm to defend himself. This resulted in Rockefeller once again shooting off his penis. The skinny jeans he had been wearing the first time were not there to save the organ this time, and it flew across the room, splattering itself on a nurse that was passing by.

Rockefeller’s obviously distraught wife told reporters, “ We’re in pieces over this. Well, Aubrey is literally in pieces. Umm, that didn’t come out right. What I meant to say is that we’re broken up over this. Wait…”

When questioned by reporters as to why he would bring a loaded firearm into a Jamba Juice and then insist on wearing it during his surgery, Rockefeller told reporters, “As a lifelong Democrat, I cherish my right to bear arms. The way the police and government henchmen are currently behaving in Portland, I truly feel the need to protect myself both in public and under anesthesia.”

He went on to say, “You don’t need a dick to vote for Joe Biden. Being dickless does not sway my convictions.”

About Benjamin Thompson 105 Articles
Recruited to ALLOD as a POE before I even knew what a POE was. Right handed, avid golfer and cook. I play 5 musical instruments proficiently and work often as an audio engineer in both recording studios and live music venues throughout the SF Bay Area. I do some of my best work when I'm slightly drunk. Never smoked a cigarette in my life. Cheers!!

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