People Magazine Poll: Donald Trump is the Sexiest Man Alive

Real President Donald J. Trump is the Sexiest Man Alive*

In a vote that will make libtards’ heads explode from sea to shining sea, People Magazine has confirmed what every true American patriot knows: Real President Donald J. Trump is the Sexiest Man Alive.

The annual poll, commissioned by the checkout stand rag that’s barely a step above the National Enquirer, was almost unanimous. With a final vote of eleventy billion to one, Trump was confirmed to be the Sexiest Man Alive — in the subset of men born to at least one immigrant parent on June 14, 1946, and who went on to become President of the United States while losing the popular vote and being impeached twice.

It was a shoo-in! But who was that lone mysterious, misguided soul who voted against Trump?

None other than Sandy Batt, who submitted her ballot from beyond the grave. After being summoned by some really stoned trolls playing with a Ouija board in an Airbnb in Washington, DC, the delightful Ms. Batt opined:

“That ugly ass motherf*cker is just gross. Anyone who thinks otherwise needs to rip up their voter registration card, enroll in cult deprogramming courses, and resign from the human race.”

When told of Ms. Batt’s opinion about our dear leader, Cletus “Tater” Smith of Butthurt, Arkansas, huffed and puffed (he literally huffed and puffed through the ventilator that’s breathing for him as he fights against the fake virus):

“Donald J. Trump is the best president in our history. I keep a cardboard cutout of him in my living room and one in my bedroom, too. He makes me feel safe at night and he gives me a reason to shuffle to my recliner down at the end of the trailer in the morning. The hospital won’t let me bring my cutout into the ICU. That’s discrimination.”

Trump himself is reported to be honored by the win. “Everyone knows I’m the most stunning, handsome, virile man in the world. Everyone wants me to grab them by the p*ssy. Even the men who worship me. They all want me to grab their p*ssy. I’ll do it, too.”