After being a loyal GOP activist and political wonk for decades, former Vice President Mike Pence has officially called it quits. Announcing this last weekend at a press conference in Queefwind, Indiana that he will furthermore caucus among the Democrats, the snow-eyebrowed Trump turncoat sent waves of shock through what remains of the Republican party.
Spokesperson Joe Barron explained the Rino albino’s motivation for the very public political divorce.
“I think the last straw was when President Trump went ahead and encouraged his cult people to riot and call for his death. That’s kind of a big F-you. Like bigger than like farting in your friend’s new car, for example.”
“I mean sure, it probably all started during his time in the White House, when Trump took to calling him : ‘Bleachy Bitch’, and constantly made him flog himself like the monk from the DaVinci Code movie. He never really gelled with the party to begin with, what with all the gay stuff. It was basically over the day Lindsey Graham stopped lovingly spitting in his mouth.”
Officials from the Democratic party haven’t yet ruled on whether or not to accept his application, many feeling he doesn’t represent the core values and goals. A statement by Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in particular was telling.
“Oh, no no no no no. No way. There’s no reason we need a guy who looks like what comes out of a Jack in the Box in a Conjuring movie. Uh uh. I think there’s a perfectly good cow somewhere in Indiana that Pence can sew himself up inside of to get his tittymilk. Not a chance.”
On the other side, Republican higher-ups don’t seem particularly troubled by the loss of their former number two. It looks like the GOP’s habit of dumping anyone not willing to rise to the level of Marjorie Taylor Greene’s batshittery remains intact. Sorry, Mikey.