In what sounds for all the world like a slapstick display of coincidental incompetence designed for a satirical network of Trump supporter-enraging Facebook pages, the FBI this morning, admitted that through a series of unintended events, they have “accidentally” destroyed the laptop computer belonging to first son Hunter Biden.
Witnesses have described the computer as: “in thousands of pieces, never to be useful again.”
Pushed out of the news cycle by the American election and its victory by 46th commander in chief Joe Biden, the investigation of the laptop had already been turning up absolutely nothing in what most normal people considered an attempted lame setup by Presidential attorney Rudy Guliani.
The lawyer had many comments on the subject in the media, each more cartoonish than the last.
FBI agent Joe Barron told the Washington Queefblaster Daily that the work being done was mainly just to prevent Trumptards from filling their depends with choco-chunks and described the circumstances behind the destruction of the planted “evidence.”
“We had the laptop in the ‘Bigfoot Department’, which is where we keep all the stuff we know is absolute bullshit, but pretend to look at anyway. A tourist group was coming through the outer hallway, and was erroneously led into the room with ‘Mr. Biden’s’ computer. The group included both actors Micheal J. Fox and Kelsey Grammar, who suddenly suffered attacks of their unfortunate medical conditions simultaneously.
“My Fox smashed the device off a table and repeatedly struck it, causing it to shatter, while Mr. Grammar’s irritable bowel syndrome afforded him to explosively defecate for over ten minutes on the pieces. It is completely unrecoverable.”
Other federal representatives defended the tale by noting that it is both more realistic than Rudy Giuliani’s explanation of the events leading into the controversy, as well as still being a better love story than “Twilight.”
Oh well. These things happen.