Charging ahead as early as possible into his new and greatest role as America’s commander in chief, President Joe Biden has ordered a long-needed upgrade to the most secure and well-equipped aircraft in the free world, Air Force One. The scope of Biden’s requests will come in on the somewhat higher end cost-wise, hitting Mr. and Mrs. Taxpayer up for around twelve million dollars.
According to chief Navy engineer Sanders Batt, the Presidential transport has indeed fallen into a fairly embarrassing and filthy state of disrepair during the four years it was used to shuttle the morbidly obese and sour-cheese odored Donald Trump around to various engagements. He explained that many of the maintenance and security changes are sorely necessary.
“First and foremost, we will be removing Mr. Trump’s gloryholes from the restroom area stalls. President Biden has informed us that he has no plans to use the aircraft as a mobile brothel, as his predecessor often did. We are also mindful of the seriousness of the plane’s infestation of Toupee Crabs, and have contracted a fully-licensed fumigation service to address the problem. The new chief has also requested that Fox, OAN, and Newsmax be eliminated from the onboard televisions in favor of what he refers to as ‘non-shitnews for people who aren’t in a dummy cult.’ Oh, and we’re uninstalling all of the former First lady’s stripper poles.”
Maintenance on the top-shelf aircraft is to begin immediately in order for it to be ready for President Biden to begin taking flight as soon as possible to repair Trump’s hideous damage to the country’s foreign policy.
Following the upgrade to Air Force One, Biden has also ordered a full inspection and evaluation of changes that may need to be made to the Presidential limousine. Some points already identified include tongue marks on the windows, a proliferation of piss jugs in the rear cabin, and a lingering stench of flopsweat in the upholstery.