Mitch McConnell Is Sick And Terminal, There’s Not Much Time

We will miss him.

Mitch McConnell, the long-serving Kentucky senator, and senate majority leader, has announced he has a terminal disease, but he will continue on as senate majority leader as long as he is able to do so.

The brave senator is facing an upward battle, but he does so with Grace and courage, more than we can say for most liberals. He is truly an inspiration to us all.

People started noticing that McConnell, 78, was inexplicably bruised on his face and hands in recent pictures. As usual, McConnell brushed it off, pretending nothing was wrong.

And then he knew he had to be honest with the American people he’s worked so hard for. This may be his final battle before being called home to Jesus.

But it will not stop him from the work he needs to do, the work that will benefit the millions of Americans who understand that what he’s doing is simply God’s work.

Mitch McConnell laid out his illness in no uncertain terms.

His shell was rotting. McConnell is about to transition into his final form. Some weird, disgusting, mutant turtle. His hands are already turning and the massive blotch on his face is telling the tale.

His outer shell is rotting, and he’s changing. The normally extremely disgusting McConnell is going to be even more disgusting and hideous. The first Turtle-American person elected to office is becoming full turtle.

Herpetologist Joseph Barron has seen this before. He knows the signs.

“Shell rot is an extremely serious condition for turtles, especially the ones of advanced age like Mr. McConnell.

Compound that with him being an evil piece of shit, and his time is short.  He will transition to his final form and then hopefully pass on, and hopefully soon.  He’s disgusting enough without his transitioning.”

GOP senators are also alarmed. A rotting turtle can really stink up the place, even more than it does already with geriatric conservatives. The smell of Ben-Gay and old people farts are bad enough, and now the rotting of McConnell’s shell.

Young GOP senatorial pages are now double masking, to save themselves from the pandemic and to not breathe in McConnell’s toxic fumes. It’s a bad deal for those all around and we wish McConnell a speedy transition into his final form.

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