Melania Trump Reportedly Filing for Divorce, Dating Jeff Bezos

splitsville?

It’s official. Melania Trump is tired of life with The Donald.

On Friday sources confirmed that Melania Trump is considering ending her marriage to former President Donald Trump.

Considered unfathomable only a few short months ago, the former First Lady is reportedly not pleased with her current life at Mar A Lago.

Vanessa Del Rio, one of Mrs. Trump’s closest confidantes and former modeling and film partner, shared her insights into the current mood with OAN last week:

“She hates Mar a Lago. Absolutely hates it. Her residence is tiny compared to the White House and Trump Tower in New York City, and she misses the old glamour days.

She can’t stand being woken up by the groundskeepers mowing the lawn every morning, golf balls are constantly breaking her windows, and she says the food sucks.

And she really, really misses that cute Secret Service agent she had at the White House. The ones at Mar A Lago are all old, bald, fat and nowhere near as good looking or desirable.”

Ms. Del Rio went on to say that Mrs. Trump is thinking of restarting her modeling and film career:

“She misses the good old days and the intimate companionship we had on film sets. We’re thinking of doing a remake of Candy Stripers and bringing the old gang back together. Annie Sprinkle, Harry Morgan, Ron Jeremy and Jenna Haze have already agreed to star in it. I mean, we’ve all gotten older, a little fatter and some of us maybe a bit more limp, but the juices are still flowing and we still know how to have fun, if you know what I mean. I can’t wait!

Besides, a blind person can see that Donald is going to be broke within a few years, what with all the legal trouble he’s in. Plus he’s losing money hand over fist with pretty much all of his businesses. Nobody wants anything to do with the Trump brand any more. So she has to find another way to make money.

Don’t tell anyone, but a little bird told me that she has her eyes on Jeff Bezos. Now that would really piss off Donald!”

Asked for comment, Trump Spokesperson Cletus Derpfinger denied that there was a rift between the former First Couple:

“Fake new, folks, fake news. There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that Melania is tired of Mr. Trump’s affairs with the room service girls or that she is considering marrying Jeff Bezos after her divorce. Mr. and Mrs. Trump remain a happy couple, just as they’ve always been.”

About Watt A Plonker 28 Articles
Watt A. Plonker is a Wurlitzer Prize winning journalist and author of several books on Potato Farming. His latest book, "The Tantalizing Truth About Taters" was on the New York Times best seller list and was awarded the prestigious Creme de la Menthe prize for Culinary Science Fiction. Mr. Plonker lives in Peckham, South East London with his wife Gladys, who is a nurse with the National Health Service, and his pet hamster Rodney.

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