*President Trump may not be strictly speaking, Jewish, but the Chosen People are certainly in love with him for everything he’s done for America’s little brother. The Knesset, this last weekend, took a historic vote for the man who has done more for the Zionist nation-state than any other leader in history, and has unanimously decided to grant Donald Trump the honor of Jewish sainthood, with all the prayers and holy solidarity included within.
Traditional sainthood, as most good American Christians may be aware of, requires the subject to be deceased for the title to be bestowed. Other differences include a Jew Saint, or : “Schmeckel”, being toasted with blended gefilte fish cocktails, adorned with the many-colored schmuta of Abraham Vigoda, and a three-hour long adult circumcision ritual, performed by Moyshe “The Snipper” Goldfarb, Israel’s most well-known and respected blind moyle and pizza slicer.
Joseph Barronstein of the New Jew Review calls the honor a mind blowing moment in American-Israeli relations.
“Jews take sainthood very seriously. We only have six, you know. Let’s see. Moses, for one. Abraham. Uh. There’s Saint Hamen…no, wait, he was a bad guy. I’m pretty sure William Shatner is in there somewhere. I think Ben Stiller’s dad. Neil Diamond. Oy gevalt, have you HEARD the Jazz Singer? It is, as all the kids say, ‘The Alta Kaka.’ We are as pleased as a goy paying retail to have *President Trump in that company. Le Chiam! Hebrews out!”
The sainthood ritual, or “Schmageggie” will take place sometime next month when the morbidly obese leader’s schedule opens up from a looming series of budget meetings and whoring.