Authorities are rushing to contain the property damage resulting from a blast this afternoon at 5150 Hagar Street in Queeferton, Pennsylvania, site of Dominion Voting Systems headquarters. No deaths or injuries have been reported.
The explosion occurred in a high-security area to the left of the building, where insiders say records of voting tabulation and various programmer names were stored. The event was captured by street-side surveillance cameras, although the company’s own security footage remains suspiciously blank.
Footage shows a mid-80s model Jaguar sedan and fuzzy images of figures considered suspects in the mysterious bombing, unusable for facial recognition technology. Local police do have a hunch, however, as Queefmetro officer Joe Barron explained.
“Okay, so what we believe occurred is that the company had just built a new break room for it’s daytime employees, which included a new 60-inch television purchased on Black Friday from a nearby Wal-Mart location. Witnesses claim a low-level employee by the name of “Harold” had been watching the classic music video for Whitesnake’s ‘Here I Go Again’ on the monitor when an improperly prepared chili-stuffed baked potato in the microwave exploded, shooting the set out of a nearby window. This would account for the images captured by the video systems as well as the mess in the adjoining records room.”
Further investigation by forensic experts confirmed one figure in the footage as actress and model Tawny Kitaen, and a warrant has been issued for her arrest.
As of press time, investigative authorities have found only one single factor linking this bombing with a previous similar eruption reported outside of an AT&T facility earlier last week. That link is that paranoid schizophrenic Trump disciples with no jobs who believe themselves to be amateur detectives assume it was linked to a vast election conspiracy to unseat the incompetent moron from his position.
But that happens with everything.