Pelosi Pushes For Life Sentence In Impeachment Trial


Although incoming President Joe Biden has stressed the goal of uniting Americans during his tenure as commander in chief, it appears Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has no such ideals.  As the criminal trial begins for the second impeachment of Donald Trump for inciting thousands of American citizens to insurgency through manipulative lies, the no-nonsense Speaker is seeking the maximum penalty of life in prison for the morbidly obese failure.

Ivanka has already started a charity to add funds to his commissary for Ramen noodles.

Incredibly, Pelosi views the sentence as a merciful move, says house impeachment coordinator Joe Barron.

“See, what she’s actually doing is shying away from the obvious charge of Treason against the United States of America, through Trump’s fomation of rebellion.  And we all know what penalty the founders set up for that crime, don’t we?  These are extraordinary times and Trump is the only President in history to lie about an election and encourage his cult of idiots to violently turn on their fellow Americans.  He’ll be lucky to remain breathing in a federal prison for the remainder of his life and not dance with Old Sparky in a very real version of Shawshank.  Em oh oh enn.  That spells fried chicken fat.”

Pelosi is still reportedly considering other last minute charges, including multiple violations of the emoluments clause and massive legal fraud, which would also necessitate the imprisonment of Trump’s laughable legal defenders.

The lifetime imprisonment charge, should the professional fraudster be convicted, also carries with it a fine of over $75 billion, which would easily wipe out the troubled shyster, whom tax records indicate, has only sixty-four dollars remaining in actual funds in a PayPal account.

Breaking : PayPal joins with everyone else in the business world and drops Trump like a radioactive turd. He still has 8 bucks left on a Starbucks card though.

Although many feel the Speaker is being overly harsh, and note that the sentence is more likely to be less than 40 years, others have noted that “unity” begins with a display of appropriate justice.  In a healing process for America, it’s biggest infection must be eliminated with a shot of antibiotics in the ass.