The recent rise in hate groups under President Trump is troubling, to say the least. Liberal pundits and government officials constantly blame the outspoken leader for using “dog whistle” tactics to encourage radical right-wing racist and violent militia groups to carry out paranoid “heroic” actions that usually entail insanity.
Now a virulent leftist group has made itself known, for months sending harassing letters and emails to Republican governor of Florida Ron Desantis, an ardent and mentally handicapped crotchgobbler of the President’s, who has followed the morbidly obese dimwit mistake for mistake, responsible for thousands of negligent deaths. They call themselves the “Juggalos”, and they’ve been on a federal watch list for years.
Luckily, last weekend, Tampa police Chief Joe Barron caught and arrested several of the group’s ringleaders. He related news of the historic bust to the official magazine of The Villages, Voices for Racist Old Mushrooms.
“We followed an anonymous tip from a person who is employed at a grocery outlet that provides a large amount of ‘Faygo’ cola to a few buyers every day. Knowing that these extremists prefer this brand of drink, we followed a dirty black van with a badly-rendered likeness of the ‘Pennywise’ clown on one side shown standing next to Tupac Shakur. Upon stopping the suspects, we arrested one Oliver Bumhair, street name : ‘Laffy 2 Cocks’, and Clete ‘Poppa Virgin’ Torres, both 28. Both led us to a local underpass where the remaining six members of their ‘Juggalo’ crew were waiting, playing terribly childish white rap music and discussing not bathing. A search turned up numerous copies of the governor’s address on envelopes, and a bag of dog feces that we suspect they planned to terrorize the incompetent Desantis with.”
No comment has yet come from the White House in response to this alarming new organization, but it’s a pretty good assumption that the brain addled commander in chief will dedicate at least seventy tweets to it.