Hunter Biden, the drug and sex addicted son of Joe Biden, was detained at a private airstrip just outside of Dover, Delaware yesterday. He was attempting to flee the country ahead of charges including treason, money laundering, and public nudity.
An international joint task force was formed as documents were uncovered in 21 separate countries, including the Principality of Sealand, regarding Biden’s frequent public nudity.
MI6 secret agent George Lazenby tells us, “Biden’s penis was popping up on security and red light cameras all over the Empire. One would be afraid to turn on the tele for fear of his festering shaft making a blurred out appearance in the local news. Common decency demanded that we take action.”
The CIA were able to confirm the identity of the penis almost immediately. CIA: Special Victims Unit director Felix Lighter held a press conference on the tarmac after the arrest in which he said, “The penis had several identifying characteristics, including a tattoo that read Y.O.L.O. when fully erect.” He solemnly added, “Many Ukrainian spies died to bring us this information.”
While treason and money laundering may appear to be more serious offenses than public nudity, they are more difficult to prove. It was decided to apprehend Biden at this time on the lesser charge in order to build a stronger case.
Despite the overwhelming evidence, Biden asserted his innocence to authorities. He insisted that the alleged penis could belong to any number of people, and that “YOLO” was an extremely popular penile tattoo.
However, we have learned from sources close to the investigation, that the most damning evidence was not the tattoo. It was, in fact, the distinctive scar leftover from Biden’s botched foreskin reattachment surgery attempted in the back room of a Tel-Aviv delicatessen in 2013.
Still, a pardon is likely in the case should his father, Joe Biden, take office. Sadly, it appears the penis doesn’t fall far from the wrinkly, old sac.