While 2020 has been typically painted as a year of heartache, tragedy, and bizarre miscellanea, Dominion Voting Systems CEO Joe Barron has rode through it on a wave of power, money, and prestige. The formerly quiet and reserved 40-year old multi-billionaire was thrust into the spotlight through day after day of free advertising, leading to even more lucrative business contracts in the coming year.
The sweet icing on the cake is the announcement that Barron and his wife, “Supergirl” actress Melissa Benoist, have been chosen to receive the former First couple’s seats at the historic inauguration of Donald Trump’s successor Joe Biden during the January 20th inauguration ceremony. Trump and his wife Ivanka have chosen not to appear, in favor of instead holding a rally/party to stimulate the sexual organs of his remaining supporters, 90-year old residents of Alabama who call their Beanie Baby collections “grandchildren.”
In a recent profile for Fortune Queefhundred magazine, Barron dished on his sudden fame, the election controversy, and his least favorite movie.
“I’m like, bigger than Jesus now,” Barron started, a shout-out to one of his personal heroes, wrestler Nikoli Volkov. “It’s a lot to take in sometimes, how I’ve come to represent perfection in machine voting solutions. I mean, sure, the trumptards made their pathetic attempts to invent fairy tales about them, but it’s the same thing they did for Hillary in 2016 and we were ready for them. It’s not real hard to make stupid people look stupid. I mean, they’re as incompetent at everything as their cartoon President was. Speaking of incompetent, remember when Ben Affleck was a professional car thief in ‘Reindeer Games’, and then couldn’t figure out how to hotwire a car in the hotel parking lot? Who wrote that piece of shit? Guliani?”
The January ceremony is set to be followed by a celebration featuring a lavish party with live music by guests Beyonce, U-2, and Taylor Swift. The Trump party is rumored to have secured Scott Baio playing the Lee Greenwood classic “Proud to Be an American” on a Muppet piano.