CDC Closes White House as Level 5 Hot Zone

OH MY GOD!

In the history of the United States, quite a number of tragedies and historic declarations have befallen the White House.  It’s been burned down and rebuilt, filled with barrels of fragrant oils for frequent European orgies during the Taft administration, and once even rented out to a hippie commune under President Jimmy Carter.  But this week, it’s been given a distinction a bit more infamous.

That’s right – The place Trump watches porn.

Thanks to an exploding infection rate of the deadly Coronavirus, including the President, first lady, and twenty-five interns and staff members, the Center for Disease Control has officially closed the White House down, no one in, no one out.   Those needing to conduct business of the state have been directed to meet at a nearby Arby’s and use internet-only methods to contact any of the executive branch.

White House Chief of Plague Rats, Joe Barron, is concerned for some of the officials that are effectively “trapped” inside the structure.

“President Trump is so far still upright.  Fairly cognizant, as far as he goes, anyway.  We are unsure whether or not he is close to Turning.  Secretary of Defense Mike Pompeo has, however, begun groaning his speech and ignoring all stimuli, which does worry secret service that he may be effectively One of the Walkers within the day.  Vice President Pence has been safely locked in his office, and has begun tentatively growing crops to aid the community if the worst happens.  Much of the West Wing employees have chosen to carry crossbows during the quarentine, and a response team from special operation group S.T.A.R.S. has been embedded in the southern living area, including expert virologist Jill Valentine.”

“With the T-Virus, mostly we just found little knicknacks that would open doors and get us gun ammo so we could shoot the carrier in it’s giant shoulder-eye.”

It is not known how long the People’s House will be under lockdown, but with Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany already lost to the Walker flock wandering the rose garden, it might be quite some time.

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