President Biden isn’t wasting any time after his inauguration to get to work on his agenda of bringing America back to the respectful union that Donald Trump gleefully tore asunder and then urinated over. Much less of that descriptive sentence is figurative than you may want to know.
One step towards such pride in being an American is ridding the country of the embarrassing reminders of our confederate-tolerating past, and looking to a proud and patriotic future. Thus, Biden feels, it’s time to replace the name of a traitor, General John Bell Hood, with a patriot, the former President William Jefferson Clinton.
Historian Joe Barron of the Liberal Institute for Tap Dancing describes Hood as the perfect bad example to our men and women of the military of “failing upwards.”
“Much like our last twice-impeached President Trump, Hood thought himself a great warrior, but in reality, was an incompetent boob. He seemed to be a good commander until he was promoted, at which point, his losses became laughably enormous. The same way that shitty fatty Donald bankrupted his businesses and then was promoted to a position where he could screw up an entire country. It’s really about time to throw both of these losers into history’s piss jugs and throw them over the trailer park fence.”
Clinton was chosen personally by the commander in chief to pay respect to his name and service and also to explode the heads of gullible trumptwats who read fairy tales about him on the internet and now pretend they know everything from “research.”
Clinton has his share of bad decisions as well. He was no saint. But it’s time to at least honor a man who was on the right side of a war for the United States. So long, John Bell Hood. Your name will live forever in the drunken rants of elderly dementia patients on warped wooden porches.