It’s the greatest news in the history of the United States Senate : Senator Lindsey Graham has finally made the Guiness Book of World Records for designing over 650 phallic sexual aids.
However, in other senatorial news, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has just signalled the media and her constituents that she is bobbling her belly with fresh and fruity child meat.
The little lady liberty has been feeling “otherwise” as of late, and after a two-hour long appointment with her local doctor, has determined that her morning sickness may have to do more with her nocturnal ham slamming and less to do with the drink special at Washington’s infamous Bladder Buster’s establishment, a favorite among the political who’s who.
(The drink special was the “Mr. Whipple Nipple”, a screwdriver-martini mix filtered through a triple layered breadth of toilet tissue.)
Political insider and professional basketball finger spinner Sandy Batt broke the happy news to the media at a press conference in front of the Ben and Jerry’s ice cream establishment at the corner of Columbia and North Queefington.
“Pregnant! That’s what she is, pregnant! Now, as to the so-called ‘father’, or ‘sperm-donation specialist’, we’re not completely sure as to who blew their load inside of that perfectly coiffed crotch cavern. May have been Corey Booker, that minx. Might have been Mark Wahlberg. He’s responsible for about 20, 30 percent of New York’s pregnancies right now. Don’t know. Exciting, though, am I right?”
Many of her supporters are pointing a penised finger at LeVar Burton, the former star of “Star Trek”, who was seen last week with the bloated bubbleass “snogging” at Melissa Southard’s beef jerky bistro “Chewy Chow.” Others with less imagination blame actor Charlie Sheen, whose 31 Hollywood babies are already forming a soccer team.
Whoever it is, congratulations are well in order to the diminutive drink-slinger. Her abortion is scheduled for tomorrow and will be made into a marble display for visitation outside of the Capitol building.