It was an exciting day for all in El Dorado last weekend, as a plucky newcomer and his overjoyed coaches watched as their 57-year old star athlete took both first and third places in the competition, setting a new record in racing history. How is this possible, you might ask? It has to do with the racer’s most recent “transition.”
Named simply “Herbie” by his owners, the plucky 1963 Volkswagon Beetle overcame mountains of adversity during his meteoric rise on the professional racing circuit. Critics and fans of the compact car alike have described his form and strategies as “Bananas”, as mechanic and expert in German engineering Sandy Batt can attest to.
“Herbie is a one-of-a-kind athlete. Well, I mean, not strictly, I suppose. There’s that stuck up douche Kitt, that bitchwhore Christine, who nobody’s seen for awhile, and of course the Wraith, who hasn’t been around since the whole business with his controversial owner Charlie Sheen. But Herbie’s all about love. That’s the ‘transformative’ part. It doesn’t matter what obstacles he faces, he’ll overcome them through love and fortitude. And, sometimes, a bit of Irish coffee in the gas tank.”
The El Dorado competition, which ran through the Sierra Nevada mountains and back to Yosemite was stiff this year with a host of competitors of varying degrees of villainy and innocent stereotypical nationalities. However, the Volkswagon pushed his advantage at the finish line, physically splitting himself into two halves to finish in both first and third place, a breathtaking scene.
Rival racer and second-place Trumpian loser Peter Thorndyke has already posted official objections to the win, citing an assault which left him covered in a creamy foam facial, causing his cartoonishly villainous moustache severe damage.
Does a competitor like Herbie sport an unfair advantage having been born with such adaptive German engineering? Who’s to say. But it certainly takes some amazing fortitude to survive not only this and Monte Carlo, but Lindsey Lohan as well.