In a move that’s obviously trying to divert attention from his sexual harassment scandal, Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York has issued a shocking new order: all public schools in New York must teach math classes using Arabic numerals!
Embroiled in a possible career-ending fracas regarding his grabbiness toward women who do not wish to be grabbed, Cuomo is clearly throwing a Hail Mary with this un-American move. His office issued a statement regarding the order:
“We’re going to type this very slowly so the knuckle-dragging droolers can follow along. We’ve always used Arabic numerals in this country. From the very beginning. We will continue to use Arabic numerals in public schools and throughout the state. Do you morons really not know that Arabic numerals are 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, etc.? Come on. We have bigger things to focus on. Like intimidating my accusers.”
Sandy Batt, Secretary of Education and Indoctrination of Public School Brats for the state of New York, laughed when asked for a comment by Cletus Festernugget of the Alabaster Grievance Gazette. “Yes, dear, we’re teaching our kids using Arabic numerals. No, weren’t not doing anything wrong. Google ‘Arabic numerals’ and get back to me.”
Festernugget is not known for his research prowess, so instead of using the Google machine to confirm that Arabic numerals are indeed the numerals that Western civilization has used for centuries, he blogged that Cuomo is proving his guilt by wading into such a controversial topic. “Its perfectly cleer that Cuomo is doing this to distract atention from the broads who said he did bad stuff. This is America. We dont use Arabic numbers here. We use American numbers.”
And there you have it, patriots. Should we believe Cuomo’s statement or Festernugget’s blog post? This is America. You be the judge, and use the right numbers.