It might be the beginning of the summer for most Americans, but for Mark Zickerberg and Facebook, it’s the season of cold winter’s bluster towards former President Trump.
A select “panel” of judges, experts, and moral psychologists met yesterday, in order to determine the status of Trump’s Facebook and Twitter accounts, both of which are currently suspended indefinitely. The bans came about after the fiery fat filthmonger violated the companies’ so-called “terms of service” by inciting a large portion of his mentally handicapped cult to attack the capitol building in his name, resulting in four deaths.
The panel finished it’s deliberations yesterday, and announced that both bans would be upheld, thereby silencing the most embarrassing President of all time from the platforms, as well as tacking on a substantial fee. Advocates of the first amendment have railed against the decision.
Panel spokesperson Joe Barron explained why the silencing was decided upon.
“First of all, this isn’t violating any ‘amendment’. The constitution does not guarantee you a Facebook or Twitter account. Trump is perfectly free to speak. No one is required by civil rights to hand him a microphone or a billboard.”
“Second, he put people at risk, violated our policies regarding hate speech and incitement to violence, and so will be punished. We’re also adding a punishment fee of $500,000 to cover the time and trouble these people took to address this issue. Nothing’s free, snowflakes.”
Trump has six months to pay the fee before it is relegated to a collection agency as delinquent and appears as a mark on his already terrible credit report.
Members of the select panel included CEO’s of both platforms as well as such luminaries as CNN’s Jim Acosta and television physician Dr. Phil. Trump intends to start his own social media platform, reportedly by networking thousands of “Speak and Spell” devices in series.