The rally last night in Pepperidge Farms, Iowa, turned out to have an October surprise that even the most ardent of Joe Biden fans didn’t see coming. After rousing speeches by Beyonce, Robert DeNiro, and former Secretary of State John Kerry, the stage lit up as surprise speaker and Biden/Harris booster Bob Dole took the mike to thunderous (masked) cheers and applause.
Although many Americans believed the Rupublican stalwart and decorated veteran to be quietly retired and even deceased, the senator proved them wrong with a stirring oration, damning Biden’s opponent Donald Trump as a “betrayer of the military, the people, and the very constitution of the United States.”
Historian Joe Barron gave a brief explanation of the conservative icon’s absence, the exaggerated rumors of his demise, and his reformed political outlook.
“What happened is that some time ago, a former one-term lesser-known senator named ‘Robert Cole’ was involved in a terrible backyard barbecue fire, and was sadly, killed. The Senator had been holding a rubber spatula, and the fire had mingled it with the flesh of his arm, causing the body to appear to have a gimpy appendage. The news of his death arrived at Fox News during a particularly riotous cocaine party in Sean Hannity’s office, and somehow the ‘Cole’ became ‘Dole’, and the gimpy arm…they never check. Fox just couldn’t give a shit. At any rate, he’s been just on the down-low for years, learning Def Leppard songs on the drums and watching old episodes of ‘The Fugitive.’ But he felt that Trump driving the party he loved to embarrassing criminal insanity was too much. So he decided to go public again. The whole thing is totally Bubba Ho-Tep meets Cobra Kai.”
With yet another big name Republican on his side, not to mention rising poll numbers and the endorsement of major medical associations in his corner, it sure seems like Joe Biden is really grabbing for the brass ring…with one extra helping hand.