Leaked Tape : Cruz Says Trump ‘Pretends To Be Christian’


Mirroring the events of the Bible, just as Jesus once had his deniers and turncoats, so it goes for President Donald Trump.  A leaked audio tape discovered this weekend by Sandra Batt of the New York Times has gone viral across the internet, featuring the clear and unmistakable voice of supposed Trump-supporter Senator Ted Cruz talking with aides, and pointing out, among other things, that the President is only “pretending” to be Christian in order to pander for the evangelical vote.

The tape was recorded at a Washington luncheon, where Cruz was speaking to a collection of fellow Brony enthusiasts about the advantages and disadvantages of having visible foam-rubber balls.  The Senator, who began his career starring as a murderous ventriloquist dummy named “Fats” in the 1978 horror film “Magic”, has enjoyed multiple terms in office since his follow-up vocation as the famed Zodiac killer petered out soon afterwards.

Cruz was cast by producers after they saw him sitting on local park benches and randomly murdering unleashed pets.

The full content of the tape is available on a host of YouTube channels and the official site of the newspaper, but an excerpt released to ALLOD’s Fallis Gunnington provided a good idea of the substance of Cruz’s remarks.

“Let me tell you all about Donald Trump, okay?  He’s in no way a Christian.  He’s just pretending so that those evangelical zealots will vote for him, thinking he’s anti-abortion.  That man, for a fact, has caused more abortions than Freddy Krueger.  He’s just about as Christian as Charles Manson.  And I knew that guy!  The only thing Trump knows about the Bible is that it goes next to the book of hooker numbers in the nightstand of any room in one of his hotels.  I’d advise anyone dumb enough to believe a whoremongering rip off artist is a Christian in any sense of the word, to get tested for brain tumors.”

“You can’t mess around with tumahs, believe me. You have to GET TO THE CHOPPA!”

Cruz was beaten by Trump in the 2016 primaries after the morbidly obese then-candidate insulted the senator’s wife and alluded that his father helped assassinate John F. Kennedy.  Yet still, Ted spent 4 years standing for the cross, and kneeling for orange peen.

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