Confirmed: Trump Still Issuing Executive Orders from Mar-a-Lago

He's as powerful as ever!

"But I'm almost out of mouth condoms! What if Vladmir stops by???"

Patriots across this great country will be thrilled to know that our intrepid team of investigative reporters has confirmed that former President Donald Trump is STILL issuing executive orders, despite the fact that he’s no longer president.

Yes, patriots, he is busy every day at the Southern White House, putting America first and issuing many Executive Orders on a wide variety of very important topics.

It’s well known that some absolute whackadoos who’ve gone deep down into the conspiracy rabbit holes of the internet believe that Trump is still actually the president, which would be pretty hilarious if it weren’t so f*cking crazy.

“Any day now,” they cry, Trump will be back in office.

Again, crazy. What the hell is wrong with these people?

In the meantime, he’s quite busy at Mar-a-Lago, issuing Executive Orders to the kitchen staff for his favorite meal: overcooked steak, smothered in ketchup, topped with sauteed mushrooms (ask Stormy Daniels about that one), no vegetables, and a Filet-o-Fish on the side.

For dessert: Aryan ice cream. Oops, vanilla ice cream, made in America, from cream milked from very patriotic cows.

The kitchen staff couldn’t be reached for comment, but a deep source tells us that at least one of them spits in his food every time he orders food. He deserves it.

He also issues orders every time he waddles onto the golf course: he demands that his caddy declares him the winner of every round he plays.

Additional Executive Orders are given to Melania regularly. She has been told that she can’t divorce him until after he’s reelected in 2024. Good lord, I nearly puked just writing that.

Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity are frequent recipients of Trump’s continued Executive Orders.

That’s why they keep fawning all over him, spouting off about non-existent voter fraud, and making it clear that their lifelong dream is to fondle Trump’s little mushroom while talking about the ills of socialism.