According to a new edict set forth by Congress and spearheaded by representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, if you’re currently driving a 2014 Ford F-150 for your business or own personal use, you’re about to be required to take it to your local approved dealer or automotive repair outlet in order to escape being fined for ignoring an “Eco-Recall.”
If you’re wondering what that all means, it’s a division of the Congressional power to issue official recalls in order to protect the general public against defective parts or systems. An “Eco-Recall”, according to New York’s Littlest Lady of LaMancha, is a part of the “Green Initiative” to cut down on exhaust and harmful atmospheric poisons emitted by motor vehicles. It requires that any vehicles older than 5 years be fitted with new EPA-approved “particulate filters” before they are operated. Failure to comply with this new ordinance could result in fines of up to $50,000 and two days of playing Twister with Al Gore.
If the thought of basically neutering your beloved car or truck rubs you the wrong way, you aren’t alone. Joe Barron of Queef Wheelies magazine calls the new rule: “Pussy lawmaking to the fullest”:
“I, and many other car and trick aficionados do our own work on our own vehicles with our own American hands. We get rid of wimpy mufflers to let people know a bad-ass is coming through. We LIKE pouring smoke out. It makes us feel like big-penised dragons, roaring our way down the street, ready to gobble up any liberal Hobbits in our path. And then have sex with the manholes underneath. That’s America. Driving, screwing, and shooting. If I could build a truck right around my dick with sparks coming off the balls and a .357 Magnum blasting from the front, I would. And I’d call it the Trump Cockinator.”
The legislation is set to become active within the next month, so unless you want your bank account to take a punch in the gut, better get your truck ready for a kick in the nuts.