Ted Cruz Arrested in Mexico

OH NO!

Media sources confirmed that Texas Senator Ted “Raphael” Cruz was detained by Mexican authorities and placed under arrest this morning in Las Nalgas, a small town just south of Cancun.  Cruz is being held without bail by the city’s policia while his family is staying in a hotel close by.

The hotel was frequented in the 90s by Donald Trump for his proposed “Teen Urineolympics”.

Cruz has recently taken flack in the news for his abandonment of Texas as it battles a fierce winter storm, power outages, and various Trump-supporting cowboys running in packs and savagely raping cows.  The unfortunately-faced Senator was described as “running faster than Melania Trump after someone dropped a dollar bill” by his critics.

Defending himself just before the arrest on handicapped news network Newsmax, Cruz blamed his daughters for the escape, telling pundits that they were “bored”, and then breaking into a flurry of tears and sobs.  When pressed, the former Zodiac killer admitted he’d never heard of “Monopoly”, “Pictionary”, or “Taking personal responsibility as either a father or a public servant.”

Mexican police chief Jose Barron told ALLOD about the charges levelled against the Senator and why he’s currently wearing a steel plate down the back of his trousers.

“Mr. Cruz was arrested after we received a phone call about an injured animal and prostitute activity at a tourist hotel.  Upon arrival, officers determined the animal noise was Mr. Cruz’s annoying voice, and found 3 unconscious prostitutes reclined on a bed covered with cocaine. We are holding Mr. Cruz on several charges and he is awaiting an appointment with our judge in a comfortable cell.  With sixteen members of the Sinaloa cartel.  We haven’t checked on him in a few hours, but I’m sure he’s muy bien.”

“MR. CRUZ. DOWN ON THE GROUND, HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK! I’M GOING TO ELECTROCUTE YOU FOR AMERICA!”

The flight from his responsibilities and embarrassing legal problem may leave a stain on Cruz’s political career, bound to affect any possible 2024 presidential aspirations he may have. Then again, having a face like a defective clone of Gomez Addams hasn’t hurt him so far.

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