Democrat Stimulus Bill Includes Billions for Free DIY In-Home Abortions

Bill Threatens natural US population growth

After a whole year of couples mostly staying at home with plenty of opportunities to cuddle up, the inevitable consequence has been thought to be a new baby boom, the likes of which has not been seen since the end of World War II.

The United States needs more native-born patriots, and so the anticipated baby boom has been a godsend to anxious grandparents-to-be, causing overcrowding in newborn and toddler aisles at Walmart stores all across America.

Sadly, the fervent hopes of many expectant grandparents have now been dashed.

In an explosive new revelation, it has been discovered that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi inserted a last-minute clause into the latest stimulus bill that provides billions in funding for a new type of abortion developed in, of all places, North Korea.

Moreover, the bill allows women to perform the new type of abortion-on-demand and in the comfort of their own home, as it does not require the assistance of a physician or a hospital setting.

Pelosi spokesperson Joe Barron explains the reasoning behind the funding:

“We’ve just spent 1.9 trillion on a bill to help Americans in need. The last thing we want is more Americans in need as a result of promiscuous behavior during the pandemic on the part of those living in predominantly red states.

Giving women access to these free, easy, do it yourself abortions will go a long way towards eliminating unwanted children and preventing us from having to pass another stimulus bill nine months from now.

It also makes room for the hundreds of thousands of migrants waiting at the border. We as a country cannot afford two sources of explosive population growth at the same time.”

The abortion funding is not the only boondoggle inserted into the bill at the last minute. Others include:

  • $1.5 billion for migrant transgender surgeries
  • $300 million to distribute free contraceptives in high schools
  • $5 million to hire Nickelback for ads promoting same-sex marriage
  • $350 million for a new congressional Russia investigation

The clinical term for the new type of abortion is “Spontaneous Combustive Womb Ejection” (SCWE), although it is more commonly referred to in its abbreviated form, “Projectile Abortion.”

So what exactly is “Projectile Abortion”? We asked Dr. Cletus Derpfinger, director of the Planned Parenthood Clinic on the outskirts of East Cupcake, Alabama:

“Projectile abortion is a godsend to women that cannot afford to see a doctor or don’t have access to a local Planned Parenthood clinic.

The entire process only takes a few minutes of preparation and is essentially instantaneous.

Basically, the patient “primes” her uterus by inserting what we call “the primer capsule.” The capsule contains only ingredients that are found everywhere in nature, such as charcoal, sulfur and potassium nitrate. The insertion can be performed by a loved one or a friend, or even by the patient herself.

Next, the “wad” is inserted into the uterus. Think of it as a large tampon. This prevents the fetus from being prematurely ejected and allows pressure inside the uterus to build.

After a few minutes, the primer capsule is set off and gases are released into the uterus. In a small fraction of a second, the gases produce enough pressure to allow the fetus to achieve “womb escape velocity” and the fetus is ejected at a speed of approximately 10 to 15 meters per second.

It’s all over in a flash and a bang and the patient doesn’t feel a thing. It is the most humane type of abortion I have seen in my career.”

How much more of this wasteful spending by Democrats will American Potatriots™ stand for?

About Watt A Plonker 28 Articles
Watt A. Plonker is a Wurlitzer Prize winning journalist and author of several books on Potato Farming. His latest book, "The Tantalizing Truth About Taters" was on the New York Times best seller list and was awarded the prestigious Creme de la Menthe prize for Culinary Science Fiction. Mr. Plonker lives in Peckham, South East London with his wife Gladys, who is a nurse with the National Health Service, and his pet hamster Rodney.

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