Pelosi Offers Reward for Return of Hunter Biden’s Laptop


Last year, when the story of Hunter Biden’s discarded laptop being found in an out-of-the-way computer repair shop broke, it was written off by the mainstream liberal media and internet networks alike as a “fake fairy tale”, intended as a headline-grabbing hoax by Donald Trump’s attorney and hair product enthusiast Rudy Guliani.  But many patriots knew that there was much more to it than that.

After reports of the laptop in question described it as “missing”, conveniently before the FBI team of hackers could break into it’s hard drive to determine the extent of any damning information, the whole far-fetched tale seemed to have faded away.  Isn’t that a smelly pile of fish.

Please insert your Melania Trump joke here to be entered for a chance to win a Nintendo Gamecube.

Well according to a new report by the Washington Queefblast’s Joe Barron, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has just subtly contacted several police and federal agencies, as well as noted detective Inspector Percival Gadget to find and return to her office the intact computer, uncracked, to an offer of a $25 reward.  Spent wisely, that sum could buy more than half of one adorable stuffed “Trumpy Bear.”

“I just grab those Beanie Babies right by their pussies.”

A random grandmother living in an abandoned ice cream truck in Taterville, South Carolina told the 3 people reading her frequent dementia outpourings in an anti-Biden Facebook group for dipshits what might be in the mysterious device.

“Obamagate for one thing.  And for another one thing, probably a lot of communist manifesters and things like that. I heard all about them on the radio, like Paul Alinski and Marylin Manson and such.  Probably one of them solitaire games.  The devil, he loves gambling. That’s why I left my husband when I caught him with that Kenny Rogers album.  Close enough’s what I say.”

Authorities do agree that a millionaire taking a $200 laptop in for repairs across the country is a pretty stupid Guliani-sounding story to begin with.  But if Pelosi wants it THIS badly, there’s sure to be a scandal somewhere.

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