Biden’s Mic Laced With Performance Enhancing Drugs

biden's performance explained

Americans have been wondering for a while now how Sleepy Joe Biden, who is in obvious mental decline, has recently been able to perform as well as he has during debates and press conferences.

Well, now we know. A weeks-long behind the scenes undercover operation by this news organization has revealed that presidential candidate Joe Biden is indeed using performance-enhancing drugs. On four separate occasions, we went backstage during Biden’s performances. This story is about what we found.

Look at the digitally enhanced cover picture, for instance, taken during a recent speech at the Union for Concerned Scientologists. Does this look like a 77-year-old man in mental decline? No. Rather, it looks like a man who is rearing to go and acting like someone 20 years younger. Now, take a closer look at the enhanced image below:


Drugs in aerosol form emanating from mic.

Using special software, we were able to enhance a puff of what appears to be some sort of aerosol coming from the mic and being inhaled by Biden.

But it gets better. We were able to obtain this mic, as well as those used by Biden in other venues. and had them analyzed at the Cletus Derpfinger School of Medicine at the University of Northern Alabama. Professor Dr. Joe Barron explains what he found:

“Upon closer inspection we found that the microphones in question contained some sort of internal chamber filled with a liquid, as well as micro pumps attached to a nano computer.

When activated, the pumps deliver a dose of the liquid to the user of the mic in such a way that it is invisible to the casual observer. The computer does this is in pre-programmed intervals, timed to ensure that the user retains the maximum allowable dosage of the liquid in his system at all times.

Next, we analyzed the liquid in our biotech lab. We found three chemical agents. The first was simply a vaporizing agent designed to deliver the other two agents.

The other two were an experimental neural brain cell accelerator known as “NeuroAcela” and a type of steroid (MD2020) that causes the body to go into overdrive for as along as the drug is in the system. Both are potent enough to make even a Zombie look and act intelligent.”

The good doctor went on to say that both drugs have serious side effects, including sleeplessness, loss of appetite, and deviant sexual behavior.

Is a man who can only function with performance-enhancing drugs fit to be president, or will Potatriots™ fall for this charade? The truth is right there in front of you.

About Watt A Plonker 23 Articles
Watt A. Plonker is a Wurlitzer Prize winning journalist and author of several books on Potato Farming. His latest book, "The Tantalizing Truth About Taters" was on the New York Times best seller list and was awarded the prestigious Creme de la Menthe prize for Culinary Science Fiction. Mr. Plonker lives in Peckham, South East London with his wife Gladys, who is a nurse with the National Health Service, and his pet hamster Rodney.

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