Bernie Sanders to Chair Senate Committee on Socialism

Within a week of Biden’s swearing-in as President, Senator Bernie Sanders sent out a tweet saying that he would be chairing a new Senate Committee dedicated to furthering socialist policies in the US.

He said that his first priority will be to redirect funds allocated for military spending towards socialist programs. With the Democrats holding a majority in both the house and the senate, they are now uninhibited in imposing their un-American agenda upon our Christian Nation.

News of this has sent Wall Street into a panic, with many stockholders selling off vast amounts of their stock. Some of the hardest-hit companies include My Pillow (MPC), Mountain Dew (MTD), and the Hormel Foods Corporation (HRL).

Those people who are selling say they need to start hoarding cash to wait out the oncoming socialist apocalypse as the biggest reason for dumping their stock, a fear echoed in markets across the world.

With this diametric change in our economic theory and practices already upon us, the rest of the first world waits with bated breath to see what degree of dystopian future will befall the United States.

Thousands of migrant workers are canceling their work visa applications, many seeking asylum have chosen to take their chances, and even Eric Snowden says he no longer wants to come home. There is even a movement in France to petition for the return of the Statue of Liberty.

Meanwhile, Democrats (socialists) are dancing in the streets. With applicants anticipating little to no tuition, liberal arts colleges have seen a spike in applications.  The city of San Francisco has seen nearly half of its workforce quitting their jobs, opting for federal and state assistance.

Flooding sanctuary cities with food stamps has led many stores to decline cash, causing long lines and high tensions at various Whole Foods outlets. This has created a black market for many basic paying consumer needs such as almond milk and artisan cheeses.

It seems that the Bernie Bros are finally getting their day. At least most of them will never reproduce.

About Flagg Eagleton-Patriot 408 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.