It’s looking to be a week of secrets laid bare by the past for Democrats, as news broke of the recovery of one of Barack Obama’s old BlackBerry phone devices from a repair shop in Queefer’s Bluff, Illinois.
At the announcement of the find by store clerk Joe Barron, President Trump’s legal counsel Rudy Guliani sped to the scene to handle the device himself before taking it to federal investigators to crack.
The discovery has gone viral in conservative circles, sending Fox host and square head-sufferer Sean Hannity to a local hospital for a series of diarrhea-induced orgasms.
However, some clear-headed and rational thinkers believe the entire tale may be a made-up fraudulent stunt by Guliani, who indeed does suffer from an embarrassing history of such half-assed displays of ball-lickery to impress his employer, Trump.
Agents assigned as the first eyes on the controversial device cite the following suspiciously unconvincing portion of the so-called “distress call”, which is also recorded in a light New York accent. Text :
“Hello Obama! This is me! Ambassador Stevens! We need help! Me and these other guys…i forget their names…they…we’re getting shot at! Wait, were they getting shot at? Or was it explosives? We need help! I know we woke you up and you were probably musliming something or playing some game from Kenya! Help! Hold on one sec. No, I said a large sweet tea. Sweet. Sweet. Sweet. Okay? And make sure there’s no onions on the Baconator. My wife already smells like a trout in a hot garbage can, okay?”
Investigators admit that four witnesses have already identified the voice in the recording as Giuliani’s and not the former President’s. However, the fairy tale with more holes in it than Melania Trump’s underpants seems to be enough for Fox and OAN.
Then again, their viewers also thought the “knock out game” was a thing, along with “terrorist fist jabs” and “tide pods”. They’re no geniuses.