One thing that everyone can agree about regarding the first debate between incumbent President Donald Trump and challenger Joe Biden, is that it was a chaotic mess. Between the Democratic waffling and the commander in chief’s constant interruptions, Americans learned next to nothing from the night of incomprehensible mishmash.
The Debate committee, led by billionaire football star Joe Barron is re-tooling the mechanism for the upcoming debates, proposing the use of “mute” buttons, ceiling-dropped “cones of silence”, and in the President’s case specifically, gradual chemical castration. But another less-permanent solution is the change of moderation, which will be handled by hosts Al Gore and MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow.
“Both Gore and Maddow have demonstrated extremely high IQ’s,” says debate producer Hammond Cheese. “A lot of this comes from avoiding idiot networks like Fox and OAN which have been scientifically proven to cause severe stupidity while viewing or appearing on them. Both hosts are even-tempered and unafraid to, say, ask a question that might make the pussified President ramble off about being discriminated against. They’ll just mute the big ball of syphilis growths and continue as if Biden was debating a non-handicapped adult. In addition, I believe they’re planning on asking the questions in normal people English to Biden, and then dumbing them down into kindergarten-like grunts and monosyllables for Trump so that he is easier able to change the subject and embarrass himself.”
Upon the announcement of the news, Fox News host Sean Hannity protested his disinclusion from the events by smashing his award shelf into bits in his studio office, badly damaging his most prized accolade, the “Cleanest Lunchtray” trophy from first grade lunch at St. Porky’s School For Kids With Helmets.
Will the hastily-made changes and hosts solve the problems and make the next debates watchable? Perhaps not. But at least it’s better than nothing, but a little worse than just fitting Trump with a shock collar like in that movie where the guy from Highlander had to escape from space jail.